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When choosing schools, consider your child's happiness

June 28, 2017
Most parents start thinking about long-term savings for college when their children are still toddlers. That’s a good thing. Our culture and economy place a heavy emphasis on college education, but sometimes that emphasis becomes an obsession about a future, which supplants the importance of the here and now.
The lives of many high school students and their parents are dominated by the focus of getting into a “good” college. Conversely, parents considering private elementary education are often daunted by even a modest tuition payment. The contrast between decisions made for a kindergarten student and a high school senior are marked. Often, the same parents who hesitate to invest in early education are later delighted to enroll their child in a very expensive Ivy League school.
Raising and educating children requires a balance between the health and happiness of a child in the moment and the anticipated outcomes for the future. The two are integrally related. A college education is very important for those who aspire to an academic or professional career, but the choices made for a 5- or 10-year-old are not only just as important, they lay the foundation for future academic and social success. We don’t prepare our children to be independent adults by leaving them home alone at age 5, nor do we prepare students for college by prematurely forcing them into honors classes and high-stakes testing. Obviously, the answer is not in the extremes, but in the middle ground: always focusing on the health, happiness and creative growth of the child at every stage in their development.
As the month of June comes to a close, exams are taken, grades are received and plans for the following year are made. And parents are measuring and judging the successes and failures of their children. We all want our children to do well, but the emotional well-being of a child should never be overlooked when comparing student achievement to parental expectations. Sometimes the expectations are just too high and parents are over-invested. Yes, we want the best for our children, but it is their future, not ours. That is a hard lesson a parent will learn over and over.
A recent article in The New York Times addressed the high-pressure world of preparing students for college in affluent suburban Lexington High School in Massachusetts. A national health survey found 95 percent of Lexington High School students reported being seriously stressed by school work and 15 percent had considered suicide. These are privileged students from a community of highly educated parents fortunate enough to provide the best for their children. The students and school administration have begun a campaign to come to grips with the stress and risk these students are faced with. This is a depressing reality, a reality that is created by expectations. Adults should all recognize that few things are more stressful than high expectations and fear of failure. Ironically, a parent or educator who stresses about expectations of success within their community, may project their own fears onto their children and students.
Students from less affluent school districts without those family resources may be working hard to get to college, and some of their classmates may have no interest in college at all. However, I expect they may be happier and enjoying their high school experience more than their Lexington counterparts.
Student futures are shaped by the sum of their experiences, the power of genetics and privilege, or the lack thereof. Making careful choices and investing your resources for your child throughout their childhood, embracing their strengths and their weaknesses, and putting well-being ahead of statistics will foster a more natural, unforced education. While there may be only a few public or private elementary or secondary schools to choose from in your community, there are over 3,000 four-year colleges and universities in America — over 5,000 when two-year colleges are included. There is a college out there that will suit your child.
Finding the right elementary school or the right college is about knowing your child and what makes them happy. Real learning and personal growth requires a joyful environment. There is a “good” college out there for every college-bound senior, and every student deserves a childhood where managing stress is not a constant burden. Let’s face it: Sometimes our children are square pegs, and rather than forcing them into those round holes, find a school or a college that caters to the squares.

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